Do you have a research agenda?

I am trying to finish a manuscript for an article before Thursday morning when I travel to grad school city to meet with the co-author. I have a few comments to address, need to fix some details on illustrations and should polish the discussion, and the actual work remaining is totally doable in a couple of days. Yet, there is something holding me back. Partly this is probably my own laziness, but it is also fear and seriously I think some sort of post-partum mechanism. The time spent working on this thing is downright ridiculous. It is research from before I started my PhD and while I obviously haven't worked on it continuously for ten years, I have revisited the project with one-two year intervals since my early twenties. I know it was good research when it was done, and as I'm in a somewhat slow moving field it is not outdated as such, although it has been re-framed several times and might need another serious make over if it isn't published soon.

Part of the fear comes from my coauthor's (and then advisor's) lack of confidence in getting anything published in the top-tier-journals in our field, and the way her extreme perfectionism rubbed off on me during my years as her advisee. I have over the years wiggled myself out of the idea of nothing is good enough for anyone to see, ever, but apparently she hasn't, and since this work was originally shaped under her critical guidance, my own judgement of the quality of work goes out of the window as soon as the question of showing her a draft arises.

This is the last piece of research from my grad school years that is dependent on my former advisers and haven't grown into an independent shape. I'm still mining additional publishable research from my dissertation, but more in the sense of ideas and preliminary data for further studies. Although the focus of the current manuscript has also changed significantly from my MSc thesis it is after all still the same basic idea and as such the last reminder of an ironically rewarding but extremely difficult period in my education and a time it took me years to recover from.

It is however also the time where my views and interests and foundation in my field were shaped and since I have never again been through such a rigorous programme, it is also the one sub field where I feel most confident. It is where know the literature in and out and still ten years on am able to jump straight into discussions, it is where I am able to find ideas and gaps in explanations and the background for any contribution to my current sub field. This is research I want to come back to and where I can see a way forward in applying ideas from my current sub-field. I cannot let this article slide, as I need it to demonstrate that I can handle both sub fields, before submitting research proposals that combine the two. I cannot let the opportunity of drawing on two lines of experience go, and I cannot let a ten year old advisor-advisee relationship bog me down. More important, I can't let this feeling of inadequacy tied so closely to the whole project hang around forever, it is really time to let go and free up some energy to actually develop those future project ideas.

Advising - in hindsight

I think I got little and poor direction during my PhD and in my acknowledgements I wrote only a subtle compliment for the two people who had been co-advising me for four and a half years. I still believe lack of direction was directly contributing my delay in finishing and financial frustrations related to this delay. It took well over a year before the anger towards a difficult process and a system allowing this to happen subsided, and I'm surprised to find that I don't resent that phase of my life anymore. So why open this can of worms once more?

Almost two years have passed since I defended and I haven't been dependent of my former advisers for as much time. I started in my current job immediately after the defense and moved away from grad school city. I have kept in sporadic contact with both former advisor and keep a friendly relationship with them that fits the level of contact we have now. But I sometimes regret I didn't thank them profoundly in my acknowledgements for my dissertation, because truth to be told, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today, if I hadn't come across these particular people.

They did not fulfill what I consider to be basic requirements of practical help especially at the beginning of the research and writing phase, but they did make a difference in a, for me, significant way. They saw my potential, picked me out of the crowd and made me do my best. Some people have the self-confidence to stand up for themselves and ask to be given opportunites at an early age, but I didn't, and I wouldn't have gone into academia or into an interdisciplinary field or been able to make notice of myself without this initial motivation and introduction.

As much as I think former advisor #1 wore me out for a long time, because she didn't realize her perfectionist tendencies and mine put together would make me work till I dropped, she also recognized a potential that I had no idea I had. As much as I resented the flailing ideas of my interdisciplinary project and the lack of overview from advisor #2, I think his vision was right, and that my combined background gives me something unique to bring to the table now. I also know that if advisor #1 hadn't recommended me to advisor #2 and he hadn't introduced me to his network of colleagues I would not have held any of the positions I have held since the end of my PhD.

I still think proper advising during the PhD should be a minimum requirement, and I'm talking about actually getting involved in the project and assisting in navigating the process. I didn't get that and I hope I will be better on that front for my students, but I still think my advisers should at least have gotten a thank you note for getting me where I am today.

scientiae-carnival

On networking

I am extremely slow, I know it, but I have been wanting to say something about this topic ever since Dr. Crazy wrote this excellent post about being in the network and how to get in there when you are young and junior and unimportant. A few days later flavia added her view on how networking has worked out for her as a naturally more introverted person. I have returned to these posts a few times in the past couple of weeks, but never found the right way to express my own thoughts on the topic. Yesterday when I was discussing student's grades on the phone with the external examiner I came to think of it again - that conversation in itself was an example of how I network and why I think my strategy works.

I am not an extroverted person. I think many people believe I am, because I speak loudly, have strong opinions and can be dominating in groups of people I know well and feel comfortable with. But I don't like introducing myself to new people or hosting big parties and I have few but important close friends rather than a large social circle of acquaintances. I value my alone time and get tired from too much interaction with other people, but cherish my time spent with close friends and family. Nevertheless I have a large and well-functioning professional network that has already proved valuable in finding work, grants, research projects and students along with semi-casual friendships and a feeling of belonging in my field.

This does not all come down to my networking skills. Like Dr. Crazy and probably many others with a good professional network someone helped me along in the beginning and the early start was merely luck on my part than anything else. The research topic for my PhD was part of a larger international research initiative, which had already been up and running for few years when I came into the picture. The international "cluster" worked in the way that each group would carry out the day to day work on their own, but everybody would meet at annual workshops to discuss results, the future of the project and catch up on all sorts of news. As a new PhD student who knew very few people in this field, being introduced to such a closely knit and quite informal network was invaluable. The people I met at the first project workshop I attended still forms the basis of the network today, especially since we have met regularly for many years now and after a while one gets to develop shared stories, shared experiences and shared references. Some are still very distant to me, but others I have met so often now, that they are, if not friends, at least people I care about on some level.

In the country where I did my PhD, doctoral students are strongly encouraged to spend some time abroad. I was the only PhD student in a very small university-unit and desperate to get out and meet other people and arranged a stay at my all time favorite institution in arctic outpost. The stay was arranged through one of the people in the international project network. I practically didn't know him at the time, besides having exchanged a few sentences at the first workshop I attended, but my advisor helped the contact along. It was supposed to be a two months stay to take some courses, but developed into first one semester and later several long-term visits at the institution that gave me the second foundation for my present network. Being located in Arctic outpost the key strategy of the school is to attract lots of external visitors thereby creating a very dynamic and subfield-focused environment. Practically everyone who matters in my subfield (at least in this part of the world) has had some sort of connection to this place over the years.

It wouldn't be wrong to say that I have had some good opportunities to network and to get to know people falling in my lap. But, it's one thing to get the chance to meet people as a student and another to keep those contacts and develop them into your own independent professional network after leaving your PhD institution and advisor behind. And that is what stroke me while being on the phone with the external examiner, who is someone I have been familiar with for years but haven't interacted much with until recently. We were talking about the grades, obviously, and about the students, and about some recent hires and departmental things at the institution and a little bit of this and a little bit of that, like you do when you talk to people you have known for a while. I talked about my ideas for teaching this class and things I would like to change if given the chance, and I told about my new department head responsibilities. While speaking I realized that what I was really doing was giving him an update of my CV, tooting my horn or preparing for a maybe-someday in the future-job talk. Not in an obsessive way, or at least I don't think so, but in a casual- part of a conversation we are having anyway - way.

I do this a lot actually. I tell people I meet about my ideas for research, for teaching and for re-organizing the world and I also tell people about my successes, but not so much about my failures (I whine about those to Fiance and write about them here). I think this is part of the reason why people remember me and do come back to me with job offers and invitations to take part in research projects. I also think that I am only comfortable doing this because most of the people I interact with are not perfect strangers, but people I have met several times and have known on some level for many years. I think this all boils down to that I suck up to people and that it works.

Years on grad school budget ruined my spending gene

I went shopping today....Not such an unusual pastime, I know, but I so rarely do this that I hardly know how to go about it anymore. Sure, I buy groceries, occasional clothing, gifts, books, items for the home or anything else I need or want for a relatively comfortable life style, but I almost never go shopping in the sense of just walking around visiting random shops, buying random things just for the sake of it. I used to go shopping like that with my girl friends when I was a teenager and we'd rather spend a day together in town out of the reach of our parents than at home, but like other activities from that period of my life (sneaking into clubs - or going to clubs altogether, drinking till you get sick and partying two or more days in a row) I just got fed up with it and stopped doing it.

Maybe I was never really fed up with shopping, but ever since I left home to go to university at 18, I never really had any money, and without money shopping is not so fun. Now 14 years down the road, after years of undergraduate education, many more years of grad school and one year in a decently paid real job I finally have a bit of money to spare. I was almost shocked when i realized that I will actually be able to put some money away for savings and still have some left to play with. I am aware that this wouldn't come as a surprise to most thirty somethings with a good job, but since the academic life style has been so intimately related with cheap food, bargains, overdrafts, loans and credit for so long I still feel nervous every time I open the bank statement or sign in to pay the bills online - but now for no reason.

So I decided to walk down to the city centre today to check out the sales since I wanted to do something else than just hang out at home and had promised myself a day off. My excuse was that I was going to look for a pair of winter boots, but I didn't find the kind I was looking for, so I ended up going into random shops, looking at random things and finding lots of things I suddenly wanted like scented candles, brightly coloured napkins, books I don't have the time to read, sparkly pens, cute flower patterned tank top, DVDs, bath salts....and lots and lots of other things.

My typical shopping pattern when I look at "stuff I don't really need and didn't even know I wanted" is: spend a looong time in a shop, touch and turn all nice items, pick one up I really like, walk around with it in hand while checking out the rest of the shop, put back really nice thing because I realize I don't really need it after all and leave shop empty-handed. But today I decided to give it a go and go shopping for real. So five hours later I arrived home with bath salts enough for a mini spa from super delicious all natural products (I got the bath soak grain jar with essential oils of orange, lemon, geranium and seaweed and bath bubbles with tangerine, peppermint, vanila and thyme), travel size organic bath soaps (shower gel with bergamot and ginger) and vanila body butter, shoes, four books (I might have gotten those anyway), four DVDs, two kinds of napkins, a magazine, cash card for the cell phone (which I also needed anyway) and a mixed feeling of wanting to pamper myself this way more often and irrational fear of the next bank statement.

It's weird how letting go of the need to control even the smallest expenses can be so difficult. It's like I am afraid that if I allow myself to buy little things to brighten up my life that i can actually afford now, I will suddenly overnight start buying designers bags and furniture and order expensive cruises and run myself straight into debt again.

My students are growing up

At the conference last week I met one of the students from the first class I TA'ed. She just got her Master's degree and was at her first professional conference. She was from the first class I ever taught at university level during the first year of my PhD. I remember thinking a lot about how to be a convincing teacher when I felt so insecure myself and the age gap between me and the students was so small. I taught lab classes and a field course in my primary subject and some of the students were learning fast and I was afraid their interpretations were actually better than mine. This particular woman was one of the fast learning ones and she continued her studies within more or less the same field, meaning we're colleagues now. She did remember me and introduced me to people as "this is saxifraga, she used to be my teacher" and still meeting her as a colleague at a professional fuction made me act completely different towards her. More friendly, more collegial, sharing jokes about former professor and former advisors. It still makes me smile. I know being a TA does not count for much, but somehow I felt proud of her, if I had somehow contributed a teeny-tiny bit to what she is doing now.

One year since completing the PhD

A year ago today I was a nervous wreck, about to start my oral presentation for my PhD defense at exactly this time. I have probably never been so nervous in my professional life, although I knew the dissertation had been accepted by the committee and my advisor had expressed his faith in me. I was not only stressed out about the seriousness of the defense and the professional outcome, but at the same time I was organizing a post-defense reception for department, friends and family, preparing an international move only five days later and worried sick about my non-existing finances.

I felt like a fairly incomplete scholar. I knew I had come a long way, but did not feel I was nearly at the place I wanted to be. I felt very unsure about whether the postdoc position waiting for me was the right kind of move, and whether it would bring me where I wanted to be. Today I still don't think I am exactly where I want to be professionally and I might need to switch institutions at some point to get there, but I am in a much more satisfying and fulfilling place - in my professional as well as my personal life - than a year ago. I am also being much more vocal about my expectations and wishes for the future, and that alone has provided me with some opportunities I'd never thought I'd have. This morning Fiancé said that he perceived my professional persona as a "dragon". I am not sure I want to be a dragon, although he emphasised that it was meant positively as someone who is respected and get's what she wants. I don't want to step on or run over people, and I don't believe in getting what you want by keeping other people down, but I DO believe in expressing my wishes and my ambitions and I DO think my life is heading in the right direction.

I am also surprised to no end by how fast things have happened over the past year and how much more confident and safe I feel now compared to then. I still worry about publication rates, how to get grants, how to handle the leader role or how we will get the money to buy a house and how to keep in touch with friends and family while living abroad, but generally I feel I have a safe and solid base to work from now.

Professionally I am in a good position. I have three more years of garantied work and income and a good shot at the position being made permanent. I have been given co-PI responsibility in a large internationally recognized project. I have applied for my first independent grant. I have made plans for my first two-three graduate students. I have been given leader responsibilty, teaching experience and done research aimed at future publications. I don't wish for much more in this part of my life right now. My ambitions for the next year are rather to consolidate what I have and do well at the tasks I have been given than to aim for something different.

Personally I have gotten engaged and we have found an amazing home for rent with a view, a garden, a fireplace and enough room for a baby...We are talking seriously about baby plans and there will be a wedding at some point in the future. The financial problems sorted themselves out when I started getting a decent salary, and although Fiancé is still finishing up his PhD, we have everything we need. Now we just need to move in together and create the home base we are dreaming of. While the last year has been very much about moving up the ladder professionally, I feel that my personal goals of having a good life in general are coming much higher up on the list now and that is very satisfying and an immense change. I finally feel like I am all grown up now (a bit late as a 32 year old I know, but as with everything else in my life, better late than never).

Time to move on

I am going to visit Fiancé for a few days, leaving today. This will be the last weekend in our German home and the end of not-living-together. At the end of the week he will move to our first shared home. I am really looking forward to that, but somehow it is also a little sad to leave the old place and the city. I finished my dissertation in that apartment and I lived in the city for months at a time during the last three years of my PhD. Last year around this time I was moving out of my apartment in grad school city after a succesful defense, leaving all my friends and twelve years of my life behind. But for the past year I always had Fiancés place as sort of a link to our old life. Now we are really supposed to settle down for a while in new town. Although I have been there for a year now and have a good social network of people from work I still don't know anybody I would describe as real friends and I still don't feel a connection to the town. Fiancé is really excited about new town and I think it is about time I give it a real try too.

Born under a lucky star or the importance of good mentors

I never thought I was going to be a scientist or a professor or travel the world on other people’s money. I never even dreamed about it, because I had never thought about as an option. My parents are well-educated and employed by the church and the national school system respectively and brought up my siblings and I in a good middle class home. They expected us to be bright and do well in school, preferably better than most kids in our generally-not-well-educated neighborhood, and go on and get an education and good jobs. I did well, according to the local standards, but nothing exceptional. I loved reading and dreaming about faraway destinations for future travels, thought I wanted to write a novel some day, was not into sports and lived in a self-made fantasy world with my best friend. Pretty much the average girl geek. In high school and early years at university I developed my social skills to the level where I did very little work and got average or below average grades as a result.

When I was working on the research for my Master's thesis I had an advisor who knew very well how to push me to do my best, but who also did not know when to stop. The part of my personality that had made me re-read every page in the textbook out loud until I did no mistakes in the second grade and spend hours a day on latin translations in the 9th grade, flourished. My perfectionism took my nights and days, ruined an anyway poorly functioning relationship to ex bf, changed my priorities completely but left me with no desire to do research ever again. But I did well - very well - and even though I started my carreer working as a teacher in elementary school - I had some vague idea of maybe being capable of something else.

Half a year into the teaching job I got a phone call from my PhD-advisor-to be, completely out of the blue, asking if I was interested in participating in the project, that would become my PhD project. On one side I had told everybody that I had it with academia, and to some extent it was true, on the other hand the nudge from someone thinking I could do it, was just what I needed to grab the chance. Long story short, I did embark on the PhD journey (slightly worried where it would lead me, but extremely proud and motivated by the fact that someone had encouraged me to do so). The first year I pretty much made a fool out of myself. I was switching subfields and was not very well prepared for the work I was going to do. My personal life was also messy and confusing at the time, and I can honestly say, I don't think I made an impressive figure in the beginning.

But things started to change. I got more comfortable and learned more about my new field. I got to know the collaborators in the research group better and I started to get new ideas. I also began to like the job very much. I got a better sense of the direction I wanted to work in and found my own place in the research group. At some point one of the collaborators asked me if I was interested in doing a post doc at his institution later. For the second time I thought I was extremely lucky that someone had picked me and saved me from the unemployment I believed I was facing without their rescue missions.

Though it seemed like it would never happen, grad school did come to an end, and I moved on to be a post doc with collaborator as a PI at his government research institute. Since then opportunities have been thrown at me at a pace I still have difficulties grasping. I had barely arrived when we started talking about putting the big research grant proposal together, that we just finished revising last week. From the moment I became a part of the group my ideas have been integrated into the research we are doing. To the point where I realised when we had a brain storming event last week that everything we intend to do over the next 4-5 years closely related to ideas I developed during my PhD. Around the same time I was contacted by someone else, whom I had once told over a cup of coffee that I would like to get more teaching experience. She wanted know if I'd be interested in this one-semester temporary faculty gig I have at the moment. Again I considered this pure luck and being at the right place at the right time.

Right before I left, it was decided from the higher-ups that all departments should have a new type of administrative position - an assistant department head. An average research position but with administrative responsibility when the department head is away or to help out when the work load is too much for one person to cover. The department head asked if I was interested in this position when I came back full-time in December and I decided to jump at it. No one else was particularly interested in taking on more work, and due to a policy of promoting women in science (I will talk about THAT another day) women were preferred. While I didn't like the reasoning behind it, I did like the opportunity (not to mention the salary increase) and said yes.

Now, as I posted a few days ago, the offer was changed to not only be the assistant department head, but to cover for the actual department head for one semester while he is on a sabbatical. I did say yes, because as always, I am too vain to say no when people trust me and think I am capable of something. But I also really think it is strange. I can probably learn the administration part, but being head of people twice my age, with an international research record and permanent positions somehow seems wrong. I mean, who lets a 32 year old with a one year track record run the business. I am seriously not sure what I think about this. I haven't told it to anyone but fiancé in my real life yet. I don't know why. It sounds weird just coming out of my mouth and I am afraid people will think I am bragging.

There is no doubt I could not have done this on my own. There is no way I alone could have created the network of people I have today, and my advisors over the years and my post doc PI have always treated me nicely and I believe they speak about me in way, so others would think I am a relatively smart and reliable person. But maybe I can finally allow myself to think, that it is not all pure chance and luck. Maybe some people actually like what I do, since they keep asking me to do more things. My mentors over the years all have one thing in common - they have pushed me forward and held high expectations, but at the same time they have shown clearly that they believed in me, not only by saying so, but by offering me opportunities to show I was worth it. That is maybe the biggest difference from when I was younger and didn't believe in my own abilities. They simply created an environment where I could achieve thing I had never believed in myself. That is really amazing, I think.