Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The cat is out of the bag

The application is sent and will be evaluated very soon and I have done the right thing and told my PI that I'm applying to prestigious-job at good-school-in -the-high-north. He is less than thrilled, although I think he has come around a bit and see the opportunity from my perspective, but I feel horrible. I know it's just a job and no one owns me and I'm just a post doc who should be expected to leave some day. But I also know that I'm a really good fit in my current department, that I'm doing good science with my current group and that a significant amount of resources have been spent me and my future potential at this place. I feel bad about maybe leaving my colleagues and research group and I hope that my leaving won't mess up our good relationship. I know they'd like me to stay, but no one stays in a job just to be around good colleagues and have coffee with them on a regular basis, right?

I have two years left on my postdoc project and am sure I would have interesting things to work on in that time and that effort is being made to turn the postdoc into a permanent position, and that it's not unlikely that those efforts would be successful. I don't feel that I'm turning my back on something that's not working, rather looking for something that's even better and I'm torn between accepting my own ambitions and possibilities to go for my first choice and staying here where people care about me and where I'm basically satisfied although not all dreams will be fulfilled. I've had difficulties getting friends in this town, but it's getting better and I'm actually enjoying living here right now. I like my work place. It's a well-functioning institution with a better work climate than most university departments I have seen. I could probably be happy here for many years to come. But I would also be forced to stay in the sub field I'm in right now, which is slightly on the side of what I really want to do and I would not be able to have to influence in teaching that I wish to have. Granted, my department and bosses have been generous and let me run quite a bit of teaching activities on the side, but it bothers me that I get no credit for this since it's not part of my job description here. It bothers me when I want to go up for salary negotiations that all effort put into teaching is basically worthless and just leave me with even less time for the stuff I'm evaluated on. It also bothers me that I'm the only one in my group in my discipline and that the fight for doing my things my way did not end with the dissertation. I have lots of influence on projects, but only as long as my perspective fits into the whole frame, which is always shaped by people seeing things from a different angle. I really want to see what I can do if given the possibility to create something myself from my perspective and based on knowledge from my discipline. That being said, I'm also terrified that everything will crumble under me and that my ideas are really better in my head than in real life and that I will regret leaving this safe haven for the great unknown. It's not every day one is specifically asked to apply for a dream job and the verdict will come through soon. Meanwhile I'm heading to work for another round of intertwined guilt and suspense while waiting to hear back.



At 9:42 PM, Blogger Dr. Brazen Hussy said...

Good luck! You should not feel guilty about doing what is (or may be) best for you. Easier said than done, I know!


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